Past Projects

Illness stories

Changed Forever 

Pete K

Lockdown was bad enough and not getting out was crazy, really bad. Stuck inside like a prisoner. Day after day, week after week. The whole world went mad!

My girlfriends parents didn’t let her out and just trying to meet needed us to use every trick in the book, and then some. Forget about anything more involved with her, if you know what I mean.

Then she got the virus and she wasted away, There were times we didn’t think she would make it. She went to hospital twice. And then she got better.

But she didn’t really get better. She lost half her weight and she looked different. She had to be taught to walk, like a baby.

Even now, months later, she is officially better but something about her is different. She stares alot into space and spaces out a lot. She doesn’t enjoy things. Everyone says I am so lucky that I got my girl back. But it is not true. She is not mine. She is changed forever. I don’t know her anymore and I’ve stopped visiting. I’m going to mourn the loss of the one who lived. 

I WANTED TO DIE

J. Peterson

I thought I’d never get better. I was just stuck there with a burning fever. Head was bursting so badly that I could not think straight. I was struggling for every single breath. My whole body ached I could literally feel every part of my body aching. 

You usually don’t feel your body, it’s just sort of… there. But when I was laying there in that hell on earth. I felt every single part of me aching so bad it’s like it wasn’t really part of me at all.

I just wanted to die quickly. Didn’t think there would be any chance of me living. Wanted to die and have the pain stop. 

I could not talk or eat. My whole existence was one big pain and hell and I just wanted it to stop. 

Even the nurses thought I would not make it, I heard them speaking. In that state, I would have told them to stop treating me and let me die quickly but I couldn’t even speak.

Looking back, I’m happy I could not speak. But I don’t want to go through that again. They say you can get it again. I can’t go through that again.

You Feel As Weak As A Newborn

A Kahn

I found the whole illness thing actually embarrassing more than anything else. First of all I actually had a thing with my stomach, you know, an upset stomach the whole time.

The thing is that you're too weak to move so you couldn’t really go to the toilet properly. It was actually terrible.  Can’t imagine what old people go through.

The things is that you feel as weak as a newborn, you are pathetic and hopeless. It was so bloody embarrassing. Especially when people come to see you and you're laying there on your front, not moving. You're not supposed to put babies on their fronts but that’s how you get stuck, laying like a newborn thing on your front. Not actually in control of your bowels. You turn red just thinking about it.

Is Daddy Gonna Die?’My Child Asks…

A mum

I have not written much since school but here goes: 

My girl’s only six and she asking me if “Daddy is gonna die?” First we said no the whole time but then the sit got worser and we was thinking that maybe we should not promise what we’ve got no clue about. Truth is we don’t know. Some days we’re tinking that he’ll be better and some days it’s like we're preparing for the worst.

My girl takes his tennis bat to bed with her and clings onto it most of the time. She always played tennis with him, especially when schools were off. She’s a real daddy’s girl, that one.

Anyone, she’s asking and her nan says to her maybe he will not recover. Grandpa says he will get better “Honest to God” he tells her. Grandma cries when she asks her. I don’t know what to say. 

Tell you this, honestly the truth is that if does not make it we won’t be able to go on. So I tell myself that he definitely will. I tried telling her that I think he will be good again but she does not like that she wants me to say something for sure.

The poor little thing, she often goes to wait on back step with the bat waiting for him to come and play. God Almighty, I’m crying just writing this. Can’t go on.

“We Tried To Force Him To Drink”

Janet Marks

When George first got it he said he felt cold inside. George said it was so cold that the expression cold like death, if there is an expression, kept coming to mind. Of course, being a man he didn’t tell me any of this. He just went to lay down one day and then it all kicked off and George stayed in his bed for about three weeks. 

He was so poorly that the ambulance was called a few times but they didn’t take him into hospital as his breathing was okay. But he just couldn’t eat or drink and we kept on trying to force him to have some something. He kept shaking his head and coughing out everything. 

We started looking on the internet to see how long a person can survive without food and drink. Apparently drink is more important. Someone recommended dioralyte and lucozade. It was cruel trying to force something down his throat, we only ever managed a few drops.

Anyway eventually by some miracle he got better and then was weak for a while. But now thankfully, George is back to normal. He goes out, no social distancing or anything. I think we suffered more than he did. He was laying there out of things while we were worrying. He is so irresponsible, I told him if he gets it again he can feed himself.  

Had cancer, then I had Covid, Covid was worse!”

S. Harris

As a cancer survivor and someone who runs a cancer support group, you would think I’ve been through the pain and hell of illness.

When coronavirus struck me it was the hell of all hells. Coughs racking the …… out of you. Temperature gave me hallucinations. It was like the tormented living dead, pain racked zombies,only capable of a few movements.

I’m writing this so that people know that this is no …. Joke. This thing is deadly. Not sure how or why I didn’t die. Still can’t do much. Took me ages to write this.

Please everyone don’t be …. Idiots. Keep safe, put on those gloves and masks and for …. Sake sneeze into your elbows.

 Bereavement Stories

I Couldn’t Even Say Goodbye

– Susan Blacksley

He was the love of my life, for 48 years. I can’t ever remember him not being there, for decades. Sometimes we’d wonder how we would say goodbye to each other when illness strikes. He’d always joke about his final words: Don’t forget the washing up.

Nowadays I wash the dishes in tears. Not that I cook anything anymore. There’s no point. I can’t eat alone.

I know he was poorly but he just needed me to hold his hand as he was going. He was just taken to hospital and eventually I got the call that he was gone. I begged them to let me be there. No he’s gone and I can’t even imagine what it was like.

At my age, I’ve lost many loved ones over the years but never like this. It’s just one big confusion. I can’t live with not having said goodbye.

This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen

– George Patel

Marilyn wasn’t supposed to die. She was quite healthy and didn’t even have real coronavirus symptoms. It was just an upset stomach and pain in the legs. It wasn’t going away and we were told to come someplace for a check. Fastword a few weeks and Marilyn died. Don’t ask how it got so bad and what happened because I don’t know myself. Her parents can’t understand why I’m so vague about it all. The truth is that the whole thing is vague. And heartbreaking. They are trying to come to terms with it all but I think they need help. I’m also heartbroken but I don’t act like that for others. My big secret is that if I start showing emotion in front of others, I’ll break down so badly that they’ll have to call an ambulance for me. 

But when I am by myself, which is most of the time now, all hell lets loose. People wouldn’t recognise me. 

Why Couldn’t I Visit? She Just Disappeared!

– Michoel Tuner

Mum is or was my carer. I have physical and emotional disabilities and she was the only one who looked after me properly. Owing to the problems with me, most folk stay away. Lots of folk step back from me and try to look but not look and they often sniff as something about me smells.

Mum, God bless her soul, was the only one who loved me. She wasn’t going to live forever but no one thought she would just disappear and become a covid number. I just wanted to visit, even from behind a screen or something. I just wanted to tell her thank you for being there and that I’ll miss her and that she will always live on inside me.

I’m not going to any funeral so let me just say it here:

Rest in peace Mum.

She Was So Young And Healthy

– Dave Lock   

From dictated message

I feel crazy recording this but ehm you know……..[deep breath] before covid 19 took her from us she was so young and healthy, pretty, athletic, making people smile the whole time. 

We could really use her around now to make us, make us smile. I mean it doesn’t make sense. I curse the day we ever heard about [deep breath] the blasted covid. It’s become a dirty word in our house now and we can’t watch the news, you know, ………. All that stuff about it right in your face. [deep breath]

Well…. I just need to tell someone what happened….. It’s my fault really. And I am not just saying that. [deep breath]

When she became unwell, I kept on telling her, you know, not to, you know, to just ignore it. You know. She wasn’t old or vulnerable, she’s just a regular fit and healthy person, full of life and fun. She had this cough and I kept saying it can’t be it but then she became weak [deep breath] she then suddenly got a high temperature and couldn’t breathe properly [deep breath]. By the time she went to the, to the hospital her pneumonia was advanced and her body weak [deep breath] and then, then she died [deep breath]. I am so sorry, I did a dam stupid thing. I will never forgive myself. Everyone else, everyone else, at home also knows it’s my fault. I just keep myself in my room, can’t face anyone, even though they need me. [deep breath]   

I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT

– Naomi Fisher

My father was a role model to me, a very special person and he died after battling the virus for two weeks in hospital. That night when I heard the number of deaths on the radio, it sounded so impersonal. What does 23 mean anyway? It’s not 23, it’s my father. He is not a statistic. That is 23 fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, daughters and sons. And then the number changes but nothing really changes as my father has been taken in a very brutal way. Killed like a dog, with no dignity. Burned by an invisible fire. 

I pray, and I know he is in a better place but when I’m too tired to pray, the thoughts of him just laying there alone haunt me. I can’t sleep at night and I doze by day. 

My boss has been understanding and officially I can take off but I know if I do, I will lose a job I worked hard to get. Eventually I will be let go as I am not producing anything. I need to sleep. Sleep not distubed by things we can’t even write about. They gave me medicine to sleep but they made me feel so nauseous that I can only bear to take them every now and then. 

The thing is, I am a mature person who can deal with the ups and downs of life. I can deal with death. I don’t know why this is affecting me so badly. I hope more people tell their story so that I can see if others have the same thing now.